I Fought The Law, and the Law Won

So it’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m awake and working. At my job. At 4:30 in the morning. It’s dark and all hell is breaking loose, business wise, in several of the major Asian countries I’m working with.

The problem isn’t entirely my fault, but it’s my team, and I manage them, so I take the fall because that’s what a manager should do.

The time zones are right, mostly, for talking to my folks already working through the end of what is their Thursday, pesky time zones being what they are. It’s really right timing for talking to my boss. Four thirty means noon-thirty in London and the meaty part of his day.

He asks me why the hell I’m up so early. Well, for one thing, I can’t sleep. For two things, there are emails scorching the inside of my email inbox. Someone’s gotta do something about it, and that’s someone’s gotta be me.

So we’re talking. My voice is still creaky from lack of sleep as I make my case. “I’m in over my head here,” I tell him, and he agrees to help.

I’m keyed up on adrenaline and buzzing like a pot of coffee and two five hour energy drinks dancing a polka across a vat of 1970’s diet pills.

The boss and I are puzzling through the problems. We’re working on solutions. I’m trying to answer as best I can and agree to find out answers to questions I don’t know.

So the boss is talking, going on a long riff as he’s wont to do. It’s good stuff and I’m listening hard. While I listen, I lean my chair back on two legs, perched there for a moment.

I say “two legs” but perhaps I should say “two wheels” because that’s really the case. I’m nestled into my worn but comfy home office chair. I do this all the time, go up on two wheels, while I’m thinking or listening or just because.

I’m listening. I’m “um hmming” and I’m very into the conversation when I guess the gods that rule gravity decide that it’s time they had a say in this situation.

With nary a wobble or early warning, I go from being semi-upright, let’s say a nice 10 degree angle, to staring at the ceiling, knees in the air, I’m-an-astronaut-strapped-to-a-solid-rocket-booster-and-ready-to-light-this-candle position.

This descent of Karenkind does not occur without some noise. And by noise I mean a bone-jarring rattle that travels in waves through my seventy year old domicile. I can hear the plumbing pipes rattling below the floor.

The boys who follow earthquakes over in their center in Palo Alto might have noticed a barely imperceptible blip on the screen while taking another sip of stale government coffee. Meanwhile, seismic waves are going off in my home.

The curious cat, a moment ago fast asleep, comes galloping down the hall to find out what’s the deal. The Good Man turns on the bedside light. I see the yellow glow at the other end of the house.

Over there in London, either my boss hasn’t heard or doesn’t care. He keeps talking. I lay there, knees up, and listen. And reply. I continue the conversation, because the last thing I want to hear right now is “what was that?” because I have no good answer. “I just fell over in my chair” doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in my capacity as either employee or human.

I half expect The Good Man to come check in on me, and am glad he doesn’t. I assume he hears me still talking and believes me to be all right.

Slowly, making the least amount of noise possible, over a period of several minutes, I slide out of the chair and slither into an Indian-style sitting position on the floor.

I finish my call. I hang up. I put my chair back upright and I pat its fake leather back as if to say, “we’re all right, big fella.”

I walk down the hall to go back to bed. The Good Man is snoozing with the light on. I place my iPhone on my bedside table, and as I do, I knock a stack of hardcover library books onto the floor. They make a sizable crash.

Apparently gravity and me are gonna tussle today. Being as how he has the law on his side, I think gravity is going to win.

I plan to give it a good fight.

Image found from Alex Huges Cartoons and Caricatures, a really fun site. I recommend a visit.

Oddly enough, this post actually sorta fits with this week’s Theme Thursday, which is book, so we’ll call it good.

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  • Lucky

    Well, at least your boss didn’t hear the thump. That’s hilarious!
    Gravity wins over various parts of my anatomy most days. . .

  • Karen Fayeth

    Lucky – I think the silver lining on this story was when I told my friend at work, she laughed so hard she cried.

    And I’m right there with you on the gravity pulling down my anatomy. It ain’t fun and it ain’t funny.

  • Olivia

    You have a funny bone- naah, you have it embedded inside the marrow- now that’s being too technical.. lolsss

    Enjoyed reading every single word. My fave lines:
    This decent of Karenkind does not occur without some noise.
    I put my chair back upright and I pat its fake leather back as if to say, “we’re all right, big fella.”

    I am an Indian- so I know what is Indian style sitting- alas we don’t do much of it now- although, it keeps the great-belly-blocking-your-view-of-the-foor in check!

    Hope it didn’t hurt.. Love xx

  • Karen Fayeth

    Olivia – Other than a bruised ego, I think I’m ok! Thanks for checking!


  • jeanne

    OMG! This is one of the funniest ones I have read yet! While I am glad you are ok, I can’t help to admit that you had me laughing soooo hard that I had tears. I was reading this at work and someone even asked me what was so funny. I couldn’t even explain. At your own expense, this was a great one! I am glad you can laugh at yourself and write about something that may not have been that funny at the time.
    Good job Cuz!

  • Karen Fayeth

    Jeanne – I guess if I can’t laugh about these things, I don’t know exactly what I’d do.

    Thanks for the comment!!

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