A Difficult Fall Through The Looking Glass

Photo by Atharva Dharmadhikari on Unsplash

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Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself and thought, “well that doesn’t look like me.”

And then someone else looks at it and says, “Wow! That’s such a good photo of you.”

The person I see in the mirror and also the person I see in my mind very often does not match the images from a camera lens. Particularly a distorted mobile phone camera lens.

I get it. And then it got me.

The tip-top person at the place I work recently retired and last week we had a really nice afternoon of events to honor him, his career, and his impact on all of us. Such a good day. Everyone came out for it. The mood was good.

During the day’s events, I certainly spotted the company’s official photographer and videographer capturing the day. At one point when I was listening to a speaker, I turned my head and saw that dang video camera pointed just my way from across the room.

“Don’t pick your nose, don’t pick your nose, don’t pick your nose” was the mantra running through my head.

The day passed, and about three days later, an eighty-four second video was published on all the company’s social media and marketing sites. In that video, your girl here appears no less than nine times. NINE! Besties, help me get through this.

In the first appearance at the six second mark, I am walking across the reception area smiling to myself. I remember that moment, I had just said something a bit sassy to a member of leadership and then skedaddled off. That is me, caught on video, mid-skedaddle.

That’s me, head to toe, top to bottom, back to front, well lit by the afternoon sun. No question that it is me.

My first thought? “Whoa! That doesn’t look like me. I for sure don’t look like that.”

All five stages of grief happened in rapid succession.

That can’t be what I look like.

OH MY GOD hell no that is NOT me.

Please tell me that is someone else wearing the same exact top and my new boots.

Ooooh noooo, oh I do not have the capacity to deal with this.

Welp, I guess that is what I look like.

But wait! There I am again at 18 seconds walking just behind the guest of honor. At 24 seconds there is a shot from behind me as I am talking to an old friend and colleague. I mean, who doesn’t want their backside shown for two long seconds and posted publicly? There I am in the auditorium at 29 seconds, 42 seconds, 47 seconds, 53 seconds, 67 seconds.

The appearance at 73 seconds is my favorite. The crowd is rising to give a standing ovation. You see me start to stand up and that’s when my bad hip locked up on me which caused me to thwump back down into the seat. Then with renewed energy, I pushed through the pain to a standing position.

How neat to have that moment of my aging body doing such fun things captured on video in high res and full color.

Okay, fair. I get the whole deal with my lifelong issues of body dysmorphia. I get how none of us really look or sound on recordings the way they think they do in real life. I get that it is hard to see your body so clearly and objectively on video. I am willing to grow. I really am trying to accept. Honest.

But nine full body shots of me in an 84 second video? Too much growth! Too much healing!

All of that said, here are the things I can be grateful for: No alcohol was served at the event, so no shots of me being sloppy. No shots of me picking my nose (thanks for the reminder, brain!). No shots of pulling underwear out of the darkest regions.

In all nice appearances I mostly look normal and natural.

All that to say, while it ain’t great, it could be much, much worse. Which is a big admission for me.

I’ll take this itty bitty bit of growth for the win and make a mental note to keep a sharp eye out for all cameras at the next company event.

Face Value

When change occurs solely for the sake of change, my natural reaction is to resist.

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This post was originally published on Medium and more of my work can be found over there @karenfayeth.

My Flameless Pants

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This post was originally published on Medium and more of my work can be found over there @karenfayeth.

Chalk Therapy

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This post was originally published on Medium and more of my work can be found over there @karenfayeth.

Five Reasons Why Being Alone is Healthy

A list to share with your mom who wants you to make some friends already



Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels.

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Sure, the Pandemic made us take a different look at the concept of being alone. And being locked up in our homes. And also breathing. But that’s all behind us now. Mostly.

What remains is rampant introversion, widespread social awkwardness, and large pockets of agoraphobia.

I’m here to ask: Is that so bad?

I’m also here to tell you that maybe it isn’t. Let me give you plenty of justification, er, reasons why being alone is great!

If I can do it you can too.

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You never have to question who ate all of the pizza rolls

Also, no one judges you when you DoorDash oh-so-many more. None of this “Are you going to eat all of that?” and “Don’t you think you have a problem?”

No, eat and burn the roof of your mouth to your heart’s content, judgment free.

Plus, eating without judgment is healthy:


Showers? Eh, optional

You can wait to bathe until you are too funky for yourself and that bar is certainly higher than when someone else has to smell you. Saves on time, saves on water. Win-win.

Besides, showering less often is healthy:

In The Era Of Hygiene, ‘Clean’ Author Makes The Case For Showering Less


You can sleep in the middle of the bed

You can also sleep sprawled out like a starfish. Snore as much as you’d like with zero elbows to the ribs. Just you and as many pillows as makes you happy. You can have all of the blankets and all of the mattress, too. Embrace all that sleep. It’s beautiful.

Also, sleeping alone is healthy. Wait, that’s not actually what the research says. Hmm. Well, despite that, plenty of people still say they’d rather sleep alone:

In defense of sleeping solo: 60 percent of you prefer your own bed


Breaking wind. Passing Gas. Tooting.

This is the best benefit of living alone. We were all thinking it. I am just not ashamed to say it. And do it. Loud, proud, and without hesitation. No need to say excuse me. No holding it in or going to another room to let it out. No trying to silently squeak it out. No, your grandma was right: better out than in. Give it a little vibrato if you can. Be proud of your accomplishment.

In colloquial terms, let ‘er rip. It’s healthy:

Why Farting Is Good for You


Follow your creative pursuits without interruption

You can paint without judgment. Write without someone peering over your shoulder. Sing loudly without that pesky side eye. Yes, while alone you can really let yourself be and give over to The Muses. Creative pursuits take time and you can devote however much time you want when you are alone, no need to feel guilty about taking time away from family.

And in case you didn’t know, being alone might just make you more creative:

Do you need to be alone to be creative? Here’s what the experts say

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Taken all together, I am pretty proud of the case I have presented here for the benefits of being alone. It’s great! Everyone should do it.

Separately and not together, I mean.

Okay, fine. Being alone does have its benefits but it also has some big drawbacks. When being alone becomes being lonely, that can cause some real mental and physical concerns. I think a lot of that has recently come to light during and now post-pandemic.

Here’s some analysis to consider:

Being Alone: The Pros and Cons of Time Alone

I hate to say that Mom may be right about you (and me) needing to get out of the house a little, but she may be right. That pains me to say.

I guess at the end of that day, it’s like the old saying goes:

All things in moderation.

Except pizza rolls. Those are no limit all day every day.

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This post was originally published on Medium and more of my work can be found over there @karenfayeth.