My Magnetic Personality

For years I have told friends that I am a “freak magnet,” and for years, I’ve had them tell me, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone says that.”

Then we go out to a bar or a dance club or a restaurant and sure enough, the wackiest person in the room will find their way to me like a moth to a flame.

I don’t head out to the bars and clubs much anymore, so I think I’ve grown a little soft in my ability to head off the loo-loos who inevitably end up sitting next to me.

Wednesday this week, I got invited to a “customer appreciation event” associated with my job.

Well, ok. Appreciate me!

It was a HUGE event with piles of free food, an endless flow of free booze and lots and lots of live musical entertainment.

While I had a gosh dang good time, I was always aware of the fact that I was having a gosh dang good time along with my boss and several coworkers.

I had a few glasses of wine then switched to water about two hours before my anticipated departure time.

At the end of the evening my boss, coworkers and I parted ways at the shuttle busses. The various busses were on different routes to take people back to their hotels and parking in different parts of the city.

Sadly, my route was the most popular, so I stood in a very long line for about forty-five minutes. People were yelling at each other for cutting in line, being snotty and aggressive, and generally at the end of their tether.

I practiced my meditation and art of being calm while I waited my way to the front of the line. Finally I got on a bus and found a seat.

And here’s where my magnetic personality comes in.

The drunkest, largest male human I may have ever encountered stumbled his way onto the shuttle, looked over his seating opportunities, and flung himself into the seat next to me.

Then passed out.

Hey, fine. I’m down with that. It will make for a quiet ride.

Oh nooo. That would be too easy.

As the bus jerked to a start, The Mountain next to me woke up and began making those burping, choking sounds.

“Dude,” I said, forcefully, “are you going to throw up?”

He looked at me somberly and nodded.

“THEN GET OFF THE BUS!” I hollered.

Well. He was at that stage of drunk where all your bones have gone gelatinous, and was unable to stand. Or move. Or do much of anything other than….

Begin vomiting.

He at least had the grace to vomit toward the aisle and not on me.

However…this is where I lost my mind.

I’d been up for a 7am meeting, working hard all day, celebrating heavily all night, and at 1:00 in the morning, wedged in at the window seat next to a vomit breathing dragon, I’d lost my sense of humor.

“Somebody help me! This guy is throwing up!” I yelled to my fellow travelers.

I heard someone go “Ew.” But that was all.

So I tried again, “Help me! Please! This guy needs to get off the bus! He’s throwing up all over the place!”

The bus driver walked down the aisle, saw the guy throwing up, make a “yuck” face and turned around and went back to the front of the bus.

“Are you serious?!? You aren’t going to help me!?!” I yelled at his retreating back.

I was ignored.

So I ratcheted up my freak out and began yelling with renewed energy.

Finally, the guy who appeared to be the friend of Captain Puke came over and in the most condescending way possible asked, “Are you ok?”

“NO!” I replied.

“Do you want out of that seat?”

“YES!” I replied.

So he grabbed my arm and tugged and I pushed off with my legs and we sort of drag vaulted me over the top of the now passed out guy.

An incredible gentleman in the back of the bus stood up and told me that back home in Chicago he commutes to work every day on a bus, and was used to standing. He gave up his seat for me. I thanked him profusely.

When we finally arrived at our destination, as we exited the chartered shuttle bus, we all filed past Barf Boy. He was still passed out in the seat, vomit all down his front.

His friend…the guy that told me what a “good guy” his friend was as he dragged me out of the seat?

He left the unconscious man on the bus.

Fabulous.

What a talent I have, attracting the elite of the world to sit next to me.

The Universal Tech Support Answer

Today, I reached my wits end with my desk phone at work.

I am on conference calls at least half of the working hours of every day on calls with the UK, South America, Hong Kong, and Australia, and many points in between.

My phone decided, in the midst of an already trying day, to act up. I’d push the number 4, it would show onscreen that I’d inputted 4444.

I’d hit speakerphone button just once and it would come on, go off, come on, go off, come on, go off, etc.

This creates a bit of trouble when one is dialing an overseas number.

For example, to call Britain, one must dial 011 then 44 and then the person’s phone number.

So with this buy-one-get-four free plan my phone seems to favor, I would not even be to the actual person’s number, and my phone would think I had punched in

000111111144444

Gah!

And yet again I say GAH!

I tried a number of different creative ways to get my numbers dialed. I tried mashing the buttons really hard. Nope. I tried hitting them very lightly. Sort of success.

I found that using a pen to dial and hitting the numbers very fast seemed to work. At least enough to get into scheduled conference calls (though it would take five or six tries).

But come ON here people! This is no way to conduct business!

So when I had a gap in meetings, I went online and raised an IT trouble ticket.

I expected it would take a week to hear back as one person’s desk phone crying in the dark isn’t enough to rouse the passions of the IT department.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call some four hours later from an actual person with actual knowledge of the issue.

Yes! Hello good sir! What can be done!?

His recommended fix? Power cycle the phone.

That’s it. Unplug it. Plug it back in. Should be fine.

I then applied a smack to my own forehead. Of course! I should have thought of that first.

The Universal IT fix for whatever ails you. Power off, power on.

What the systems administrators in my old team used to call “bouncing the machine”

So I bounced the phone. It’s back on line and working fine. We’re back to a one for one button press to digit input value.

Now if I could only get my nerves to be as docile.

Gah!

And a mental note to self: Always try bouncing the machine first.

I haven’t stopped blogging….

…but I’m afraid I’m going to miss another day. I *hate* missing blogging days. I’ll do my best to make up the two missed days in some way this week.

I’ve been asked to teach a four hour course today on behalf of an association of professional people who do what I do for a living (I’ll demure on my job role…a girl’s gotta have some secrets).

Four hours? *I* don’t even want to listen to me talk for four hours! Good gracious!

Anyhow, it’s a big honor and I have my big ol’ PowerPoint slide deck ready to go.

But I’m scared. I mean, I’m excited. But I’m skeered too.

This is four hours facing a room full of my peers.

Whooooa. Soooo grown up.

Anyhow, I’m up to the task, but forgive my inattention to the blog for a couple days. I should be back tomorrow.

The Delicious Eagle Has Landed

So there I am, sitting on a Southwest Airlines flight, headed for El Paso.

As we haven’t yet cleared 10,000 feet, I can’t use my Kindle, so I’m idly flipping through the pages of the Spirit in flight magazine.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an ad for the beautimous Hatch green chile.

The copy claims that this precious commodity will be for sale in many grocery chains near me!

Look!

I unceremoniously tore the ad out of the mag. I had to clutch it to my heart!

I showed the ad to my friends there in the southern part of New Mexico, and they told me that due to NAFTA, the local farmers are getting beat out on selling their beautiful crops.

The New Mexico Department of Agriculture is putting on a marketing drive to try to stir up some sales.

The tagline? “Get Your Fix.”

Why yes, I think I will. Thankyouverymuch.

So I was in my local Whole Foods store, perusing the fresh produce, when my peripheral vision locked on the word, “Hatch.”

There, in my very store, shiny green peppers stacked high.

I RAN over to the display.

But my brain said, “hoooooold on a minute.”

I looked a little closer at the sign.

Can you read the sign in this image?

It says, “Hatch peppers” and just above that it says, “Grown in California.”

What the @#*$%@&*^%$!!!!

No.

Just no.

This is not right.

This is NOT correct.

This is definitely not ok.

So I laid the waxy green vegetable back on the pile and walked away.

This was not the treasure I sought.

Over this Labor Day weekend, I wrote a terse email to the NMDA asking them if the word “Hatch” can be applied to California grown chiles, or if this sign is in error.

I await their reply.

Yesterday, during my lunch hour, I ran to the Nob Hill Foods (also known as Raley’s) near where I work to pick up a couple things. I never shop at Nob Hill, but it was the closest grocer near work.

Once again, my “Hatch” radar picked up something at the periphery.

I fear I couldn’t get excited.

I slowly walked toward the word “Hatch” and sniffed the air near the display.

And I looked closely at the sign. They spelled “chile” wrong.

But still…could it be? Have I found the good stuff? Did I just accidentally stumble upon The Precious?

Yes. Yes I did.

I filled a produce bag to bursting and made them mine. Those beautiful chiles sat in the backseat of my car all afternoon, and they made the inside of my car smell heavenly.

This year, The Good Man finally gets to know what the smell of roasting green chile (and the smell of Autumn) is truly about, because it will permeate the corners our home.

Aw. Yeah.

Keep Feeling Fascination

This morning, the idea generator prompted me to “Name something that fascinates you.”

Let’s see…

Right now, the thing that fascinates me the most is: Peanut Butter M&M’s

Oh man, I tried these for the first time during my recent travel. My sweet tooth dragged me to an airport shop where I bought a bag, and ever since I can’t stop thinking about and yearning for the peanut buttery goodness!

Oh wait. That’s an obsession. Not a fascination.

Let me try again.

Ok, I got it. I’m fascinated by that frapping tree growing in my side yard. The one that grows about six feet a month, drapes over the neighbor’s fence, scrapes at the side of the house and blocks the nice view out of my home office window.

Oh no, got it wrong again. That’s aggravation.

Hmm. Fascinated by the endless lines of tiny black ants invading my kitchen?

Nope, more aggravation.

How about this! I got it. I’m fascinated by the process I go through every morning to park in my favorite spot in the parking garage. There is a pinched-faced lady in a gray BMW who thinks she owns the spot. I parked there uncontested for a whole month and beginning last week, missy miss BMW thinks it’s her spot?

Oh I don’t THINK so.

No, every day I’m all about making sure that I get that spot, mine mine mine!!

Nice try, Karen. That would probably be best labeled under compulsion.

Maybe I’m fascinated by my ongoing observations about the sheer quantity of Canada Geese poop at the park near my office?

No, compulsion and aggravation together, I think.

How about my fascination with the recent over 90-degree heatwave in the Bay Area.

Nope. Perspiration.

I got it! Night photography! I’m fascinated by that.

But that’s also education. As in, I’m totally all about learning night photography but yet, I’m also fascinated with the art.

Yes. That’s it. I think I’ve resolved it.

That was a lot harder that I thought it would be.