Hey! What in the seven kinds of sam hell is wrong with my goldfish crackers?!?!?!
What are those cracker lumps? Did my goldfish swim near a nuclear reactor? WTF?
Basketball shapes? BASKETBALL SHAPES!?!?!?!?
WTdoubleF?
Aw fer crissakes, Dwayne, keep your gear out of my snack food!
I don’t like nobody messing with my goldfish. I like ’em just like they is.
And also…
HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!!
Earlier in the week, a local sports radio guy posed the question to his callers:
“Star Wars Character draft, who’s your no. 1?” (this from the @DamonBruce Twitter feed)
Well, I was so geeked out over the start of Spring Training, I thought he meant baseball players. Turns out he meant basketball.
No matter, I brought up the question to The Good Man over lunch, which led to a rousing conversation about our all-Star Wars character baseball team.
The Good Man and I parted ways on a lot of the position players, but that’s ok. Debate is the heart of baseball.
Herewith are my starting nine (you’ll note I’m sticking to Episode 4,5 and 6 characters. I’m old fashioned that way):
First Base (and batting switch): Luke Skywalker. They guy can do yoga and is bendy. I need a guy who can stretch it out to grab the ball. He can “use the force” to figure out when a ball is coming hot down the line. Gotta keep it from rattling around in that weird right field corner at AT&T Park.
Second Base: Boba Fett. Solid hands. Decent footwork. Backed up by Yoda at short. Yeah, I’m ok with this choice. (yes, I know Fett is a bad guy. Go with me on this.)
Short: Yoda. Who else do you know that could pick it from the shoelaces and do a 360 to first for a double play? Gotta be Yoda.
Third: Obi Wan. Solid hands but an old guy. Too much action at first, third is his spot. I need him to nail down the hot corner and keep runners from scoring. I think an Obi to Yoda to Luke double play combination is *hot*. Keeps runners off balance. Yeah.
Left Field: Lando Calrissian. Look, Billie Dee is the MAN. He’s gotta bat clean up, can take it over the wall and look good doing it. Yup.
Center: Wedge Antilles. The guy’s an ace pilot. He’s lean. He can run. He’s got a good eye. I’ll bet he knows how to take a good route to the ball and can dominate that deep outfield at AT&T Park.
Right Field: Han Solo. Ok, the guy’s kind of a bumbler. I want him where he can do the least damage. I’m betting he can bat ok (but probably slump-y like Aaron Rowand) and can probably handle right (except I worry about him at AT&T Park). He’ll sometimes take a crappy route to the ball and you’ll want to put your head through the television. But mostly solid. The Good Man has Han Solo in left on his lineup card. I may agree with him…don’t know.
Catcher: Chewbacca. Furry Man has got the plate *sealed off*. Plus I bet he’s got a cannon on him. I see NO ONE stealing second with Chewy behind the plate. The Good Man has Chewbacca at third, and there is a good case to be made for that. I’m sticking with catcher. He’s a little tall for the job, but I think his knees can take it.
Pitcher: Well Darth Vader of course. Look, who else do you know in the Galaxy that has the control to throw a nasty 68 mph sinker followed by a 98 mph right up broadway and keep the batters off balance? He’s as ugly as Eric Gagne and twice as mean. You need a pitcher who can play mind games with the batters and Darth is your guy.
Here’s the lineup card I’m exchanging at the plate:
CF Wedge Antilles. Leadin’ us off with speed on the base paths.
1B Luke Skywalker. The guy can get on base and load ’em up for the 3 and 4 hitters.
C Chewbacca takin’ it deep or at least moving the runners.
LF Lando Calrissian batting cleanup. Might switch with Chewy if he’s on a streak.
3B Obi Wan
2B Boba Fett
S Yoda. Not a power hitter but he gets on base.
RF Han Solo. Where he can do the least damage.
P Darth Vader
Because where I come from, the pitcher has to bat. No designated hitter in my galactic ballgame.
I invite your own thoughts on the lineup. I can be persuaded….
The morning team for my local sports radio is out in Scottsdale this week covering all the Spring Training fun.
This morning they observed the groundskeeper hosing down the infield and remarked that could be a possible fallback gig if this whole radio thing didn’t work out…
Hmmm….groundskeeper….not bad. I could pull that rake-boxey thing around the infield between innings. I could make those straight chalk lines. I could roll out that big ass tarp and unfurl it on the field. Yeeahhh.
I think I’ll add that to my list.
What list, you ask?
The list of “things that might pay less but would be a lot more fun” or also known as “what else I could do if this job doesn’t work out.”
You know, good, noble, hardworking gigs that don’t pay enough but also might let me sleep soundly at the end of the night.
Let’s see…what else might be on the list…
Rinse out girl at the hair salon. Sure, my hands would get a little worn out, but hey, all you gotta think about is lather, rinse, repeat.
Gate agent at the Kona International Airport. I think that explains itself.
Guy who stands there with a “slow” sign, waving traffic past a construction zone. Not that I want to actually *do* construction, just be that guy in the orange vest with the disaffected look waving at cars. I hear it pays pretty well!
Run the Ferris wheel at the amusement park. Sure, there is the occasional barfing incident, but mostly you bring people joy. Collect a ticket, strap ’em in and let centrifugal force do the rest.
Cocktail waitress at a Vegas casino. I may not have the legs for it anymore, so it might have to be one of those “off the strip” and rather dark casinos. But I could so wear a spangly dress and wander around saying “Drinks? Anyone need a drink? Drinks?” I imagine you meet some interesting folks with that gig.
Bartender. You know, back in my twenties, even though I had a pretty good office job, I often thought about going to bartender school so I’d have that as a backup. Bartending is more than pulling a tap and washing glasses if you do it right.
Of course, I’d want to be the kind of bartender who could make pretty much any drink you call out without looking at the book. It would be a point of pride. Good bartending is a lost art.
For a while, I thought I could be a Starbucks barista, but after hearing the tales from my New Mexico friend Natalie, I decided maybe not.
When I’d screw up at work, my boss at Sandia used to say I’d be perfect as slurpee machine maintenance man at the local 7-Eleven. Mainly because I’d matriculated at NMSU (as did he) I’m sure.
But being a 7-Eleven employee has often crossed my mind. In my early days in California, when my money was very tight, my local 7-Eleven had a sign up for a night clerk. I *seriously* considered applying.
Sure, it’s one of the most dangerous jobs you can have. But it’s not so bad, I think. You get to vend many of the most vital food groups in life like beef jerky, 40 ounce malt liquor and day old donuts. This is a key element of the running of our society in a smooth fashion!
Then there is always the ball washer at the local golf course (a job that sounds naughty but isn’t). If I also get to scuba dive in the water traps, that’s a TOTAL bonus!
Long haul trucker. Weirdly, that’s always appealed to me. I suppose that says something about my personality.
Anyhow…there’s a lot more on the list. This is but a sampling. But yup, I’m adding Spring Training ballpark groundskeeper.
I’d have to work my way up to nozzle girl, huh? I’d likely have to apprentice as hose holder first.
“A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar“
I think I’ll make a batch of chocolate chip cookies today…..
So there you are, doing your job. A job that you are actually really darn good at.
I mean, people *know* you are good. You’ve been recognized for your accomplishments.
And so you’ve been called again to take on that big project, that big customer, that big case.
You go about your business like a professional. You rally your support team. You create strategy. You execute on that strategy.
And then, for whatever reasons, the stars weren’t aligned right or someone failed to do their part or just gall durn bad luck, you make a mistake.
Not a huge mistake, but a mistake. It’s the kind of mistake you’ve made before on other deals, and this is a particular mistake you really hate to make. But ok.
This mistake feels worse because it is made on a really high profile project. Meaning more people know you goofed up and the effects have a lot more impact.
But it’s still a mistake.
You’ve made this mistake before and you and your group have recovered from it. It’s a mistake made by all of your peers in other companies at one time or another.
Everybody doing this job has made this mistake.
It is inevitable.
Mistakes happen.
We all make them.
Sometimes they have unintended consequences.
So this is what I was thinking, yesterday, as I listed to local sports radio station KNBR with their wrap up from the Super Bowl.
If you didn’t watch the game, I’ll fill you in. Peyton Manning threw for an interception in the fourth quarter that was returned over 70 yards for a touchdown by the New Orleans Saints.
Most say this was the nail in the coffin for football’s biggest game. That one play.
Callers to the radio station came pouring in to cry foul. To state, for the umpteenth time, that “Peyton choked!”
That he’s not the great quarterback that everyone thinks he is. That he blew it. That it’s all Peyton’s fault!
In a game that lasts four quarters at 15 minutes apiece with who knows how many individual plays, that one play was it, huh? That was the deciding moment?
I’d personally say it was the onside kick recovered by the Saints after the half that was the game changer. The momentum shifter.
There seem to be only a few comments about Colts Hank Baskett’s inexcusable case of brick hands in that moment. (Baskett, born and raised in Clovis, New Mexico. Our proud NM tradition continues on!)
But Hank isn’t the superstar. Hank isn’t the guy we built up to near god status so we can tear him down. His mistake is “just another day on the job.” But Peyton, oh Peyton.
He’s the villain.
Then when a dejected Manning walked off the field at the end of the game and didn’t shake anyone’s hands, now he’s a poor sport.
And apparently a loser and a jerk
And then there is this bit of conspiracy theory, that Peyton helped the NFL fix the game.
Hoo boy.
I guess I come down on the same side as the author of this article.
“One lousy throw is one lousy throw. It’s not a career-ender.”
Those of you who have never made a mistake on the job, raise your hands?
Didn’t think so.
(I figured a little Billy Joel imagery might be keeping in theme with The Who halftime show…you know, old dudes still rockin’? Plus there’s that whole “people who live in glass houses” thing….)