An Open Letter on Behalf of Mankind

Dear engineer-type gentleman I just passed on the way into the cafeteria:

I appreciate that today is pretty warm day. The weatherman predicts temps as high at 95 degrees where we are.

I also appreciate that when the weather heats up, it’s always nice to release your legs from the tyranny of pants.

Fair enough.

Given that our employer favors a “business casual” environment, shorts are, for the most part ok.

What I take issue with, sir, is not that you are wearing shorts, but rather the shorts you chose to wear. That garment was obviously bought in or around the year of 1985 when both you and Larry Bird had the legs to pull off a pair of uncomfortably short shorts.

The year is now 2010 and neither you nor Mr. Bird should put people through this. It’s a lot to deal with while strolling the campus of this very conservative and well-respected multi-national corporation.

I fear for your manhood when you sit, good sir, because there is not enough cloth available, given the dimensions of your now engineer-like body, to cover all that needs to be covered.

No. Don’t bend over. Please. I’m begging you.

Just take your cheeseburger and fries and head back to whatever research lab you emerged from.

I shall go cleanse my eyes with a Brillo pad.

Let’s not have this chat again, eh?

Warm regards,


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  • Alan Macfarlane

    Classic. Around my corner of the world, we call them "John Stocktons."

    And you're giving your coworker quite the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the amount of cloth needed for proper coverage.

    You're too kind.

    There's a guy around our office who wears shorts that are reminiscent of the classic short UPS delivery guy shorts. Problem is, he's a VERY big dude (not fat, but HUGE and SCARY) and anyone who would offer a contrary opinion to his waist wear will promptly have their arms removed from their torso only to be bludgeoned with them.

  • Karen Fayeth

    Alan – Ah yes….can't really complain to the big scary man. Understood.

    My coworker couldn't pull the arms off a fly much less me. Doughy is the word that comes to mind.

  • Elise

    Oh, nooo. Doughy, pasty, bare legs. You need to spray that man down with a can of STOPIT.

  • Karen Fayeth

    Elise – I believe I would have to empty an entire can on this one.

    Then break out a new can.

    Maybe I should get Costco to start carrying cans by the case.

  • Anji

    I hope he didn't put you off your trip to the canteen

  • {S.T.U.F.F.}


    I Luv It!

    This is hilarious!!

    I do have to say that I admire his {high self-esteem? lack of insight? blindness? stupidity?}.

    I must say {to his credit} that it must be very free-ing to not care about what other people think about you…even if it does leave a nasty taste…

    ….where's the barf bag?

  • Karen Fayeth

    Anji – I do have to say it did put me off my feed for a bit.

    But I rallied in the late afternoon hours. :)

  • Karen Fayeth

    S.T.U.F.F. – You know, you raise a good point. Here's to all the people with the chutzpah to wear such things with pride.

    And truly, he was walking tall that day, quite unaware of the effect on others. :)

  • Michelle Meaders

    I thought business casual meant coat and tie, but not a suit. In Bermuda, I hear they wear coat and tie with their conservative bermuda shorts. I doubt it was 95 inside the building. And I feel sorry for whoever had the job of telling him he was inappropriately dressed. (but I suspect they chickened out.)

  • Soul Dipper

    Reminds me of a Phys Ed teacher who had to be released from contract due to his gear and lack of. Not a pretty picture. He persisted – in spite of warnings. For a short while we wondered if he was just so into his sport that he didn't think. We learned otherwise.

  • Don

    Thanks for the good chuckle!! Great writing!

    I'd be afraid to wear such cloths with my current body…. And my legs, if sunny out, would blind anyone that happened to look my way.

  • Karen Fayeth

    Michelle – Yeah, if this guy was wearing a nice pair of well fitting linen shorts like they do in Bermuda, I'd have nothing to complain about.

    Not so with this guy.

    And yeah, I suspect his boss didn't mention anything….so we'll see those legs again soon.

  • Karen Fayeth

    Soul Dipper – Agh! Yes! Gym teacher! I TOTALLY should have thought of that. Gym teachers have cornered the market on inappropriately short shorts!

    Thanks for the morning laugh!

  • Karen Fayeth

    Don – Friends don't let friends wear inappropriately short shorts……:)

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