Manual Process

The other day at work, one of the nice ladies I work with took ill. After much discussion, it was decided she needed to head home to rest and recoup, but she felt too woozy to drive.

One of her coworkers, who lives in the same neighborhood, offered to drive the lady home using the sick lady’s own car, and would then take public transit to her own place.

This was a very kind offer!

But when they got to the parking garage, a problem presented itself.

The car in question has a manual transmission, and the good Samaritan had zero idea what to do with all those pedals under the dash.

Turns out, no one in the office knew how to drive a stick (I wasn’t at work that day), so the sick lady ended up driving herself home…which is a shame.

See, I have a few personal arbitrary rules for the world. One of them is that everyone who knows how to drive should know how to drive a manual transmission.

I suppose this is one of those hand-me-downs from my parents. My dad was adamant on this same policy.

His reasoning for this was, “if you can drive a stick, you can drive any car in the world.” My pops was full of beans on a lot of his own personal arbitrary rules for the world (like father like daughter), but I have to back him up on this one.

When each of us three kids learned how to drive, we learned how to drive both an automatic and a stick, much to the groaning agony of the used four-speed everything manual car we all used to learn (if you click, it was like the one in front, only with purple stripes and no sun roof).

That car was pre-hydraulic clutch. I blame this for the freak strength of my left leg.

But I digress.

I realize that most of the cars on the roads today are automatic. I suppose it’s a good thing, it has made driving easier and more accessible for people. But it’s also a sad turn.

When I moved to the Bay Area, I had a 5-speed Jeep. God, I loved that truck. After moving here I fearlessly bombed all around San Francisco in that thing, up and down some of the craziest hills the City has to offer…

…not because I’m cool or daring or anything, mainly because I’m stupid and didn’t plan my routes better. In the first months of life here, the smell of my own burning clutch was like an old friend following me up and down SF roads.

And let me tell you this…if you are at a stop light on a street that just *happens* to also carry a streetcar, and if you *happen* to stop and don’t realize your back tire is on the streetcar rail…well, when the light turns and you hit the gas…the squeeeeing sound is unlike anything you’ve ever known as well as the smell of your tires AND your clutch as they hang on the foggy air. Yes! That is the smell of humiliation to a country mouse in the big town!

We’ll not discuss trying to parallel park on a hill with a manual transmission…

Ok, sure. One of the reasons that people don’t want to drive a stick is because of life’s little difficulties just like that.

Yeah, yeah…it can be utterly nerve wracking.

But I say, the problem solving and gut-it-out reflexes you have to go through to get that car rolling again are valuable life lessons!

Lessons we all can use.

Plus, if you ever want to buy a really fancy sports car, you are good to go.

Or…you know, “borrow” some farm equipment.

But once again…I digress…

My week, at a glance.

Husband, on the couch, coughing, coughing, coughing…*sniffle*

Feline, on the couch tossing head ferociously flap, flap, flapping her ears and occasionally digging in there with a back toe.

Me, on the couch, blowing my nose repeatedly, in between coughing and sneezing.

Diagnosis:

Husband: severe bronchitis, bordering on pneumonia
Cat: ear infection
Me: bad cold, trying desperately not to let it become bronchitis

Mood: Crappy

Is this a joke? Am I on candid camera?

Am at work today and my coworkers have unceremoniously shut my office door. They mumbled something like “you are being quarantined”.

Nice.

ah-choo!

Did you know…

…that today is National Health and Fitness Day?

I didn’t either, but it is.

So my own company decided to celebrate by hosting a lunchtime walk along a really pretty bayside trail near our offices.

When I told my favorite coworker about the planned event, he reminded me that employees of our company get *plenty* of exercise jumping to conclusions, walking away from responsibility, and running to line up first for the buffets.

While I couldn’t argue his point, I decided to take a walk anyway. Feeling cranky and amped up, a walk seemed like a nice idea.

It was walker’s choice, a one mile or two mile jaunt. I went ahead and chose two miles, strapped on my trainers and got to it.

Can’t say it was the nicest day for a walk. After being hotter than the hinges of hell for the past several days, the Bay Area Inversion (description here) has kicked in and today we get windy and cold.

Whatever.

Look, while most of my coworkers sat at their desks and ate hearty lunches in the cafeteria, I actually *did* something useful today.

I feel *so* smug too. I even took the company provided shuttle over to the start point in an effort to conserve fuel.

And I recycled the bottle from the water they gave me.

When the walk was done, I ate a salad.

If I keep this up, I’m going to be driving a Prius soon.

What?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ok, to offset all this goodness I’ll have red meat and whiskey for dinner.

That ought to restore balance to the universe.

What the #$%@ is THIS?!?!?!

We got a kickback package of goodies from a supplier today. All kinds of crunchy snack treats. We, as an organization, descended on the munchful food. Oh yes we did.

I, myself, came out of the fray with a nice bag of Cracker Jack.

Ah Cracker Jack, food of my youth. Yes!

After the : smack, slurp, crunch, devour : was done, I excitedly grabbed the prize from the bottom of the bag.

Oh man, this is going to be GOOD!

There it is! Red striped fun! Whee!

Ok, tear this bad boy open. Unfold the directions.

What the?

I know you can’t read the text in this crappy iPhone photo.

It says: “Can you guess who I grew up to be?” then a lot of blah blah text about growing up a Quaker and self-discipline and blah blah BLAH!

Ok, now we get to the good part. The directions “fold over along perforated lines to reveal image on the other side…”

Heeeere we go! Yes, this will be something funny, right? A goofy face! Oh man, I’m gonna laugh. Then I’m gonna show this to all my coworkers. We’ll laugh for like HOURS man! Ok…folding…

What the?

Why is Ben Franklin staring back at me? This can’t be right. Let me look at the directions again.

“In her 50 years as a reformer, Susan B. Anthony championed many causes blah blah BLAH…”

WHAT!?!?!?!

What is fun about Susan B. Anthony! This isn’t even a crazy face. It’s actually kind of creepy!

I. Got. Robbed.

No temporary tattoo?!? No fun game?!?!

Nobody is laughing. Prizes SUCK now!!!!

Frackin’ Cracker Jacks! : waves fists :

: twitch, twitch :

You know what it’s like, careening down a country road.

Driving faster than your headlights, as your driving instructor (Mr. McGinnis if you are an Albuquerque kid) might say.

And you see those two little glistening black eyes under two long ears, nose twitching by the side of the road.

That goddamn jackrabbit is making a decision. Here comes two tons of steel traveling just north of 90 mph.

Do I leap or do I stay still?

Stay still and stay safe. You know this side of the road, you don’t get to see anything new, no challenges.

Leap fast enough and you make it to the other side, a whole new world awaits. Fresh experiences, more room to grow.

Leap not quite fast enough and you are a hood ornament.

What do you do?

Don’t ask me, I’m just another conejo by the side of the road blinking into the approaching highbeams.

This morning I met a man outside of my manager’s office. He’s from the company that just bought my employer. He’s the counterpart to my boss. Odds are good he’ll be my next boss.

Later I walked down to the area where all the high level managers sit. My boss and four other directors are jam packed into a senior director’s office. A sudden impromptu meeting.

What the *hell* is going on?

Do I still have a job?

: twitch, twitch :