Category: latent childhood

Waiter? I’d Like To Order….

The topic of Theme Thursday this week couldn’t be more timely. In the lead up to the best eating holiday of the year, our topic, is: Food.

But here’s my sideways twist on the theme.

Over the weekend, while on a fairly long drive, I began to riff on something The Good Man said, devolving, as I’m prone, to low brow humor. The stuff of twelve year old boys.

The Good Man isn’t so much a fan of the twelve year old boy humor, so his side of the car went pretty quiet.

Well. Fine. I am who I am. If I can’t let my inner twelve year old boy fly free at home, I’ll take the next best option…imposing it on you, my fair readers.

So, herewith, my list of food names that are unintentionally rude, just in time for Thanksgiving.

1) Head cheese. You knew I had to start there, right? I’m not going to lie, I laughed right out loud typing the words. I wouldn’t laugh out loud eating it though, because congealed gelatinous meat bits doesn’t really appeal to my palate. But whatever.

2) Cacahuete. Hee, hee, giggle *snort*. You said caca! Yeah, cacahuete is the Spanish word for peanut. But still, it’s sooooo fun to say!

3) Bubble and squeak. It’s just fried up meat, taters and cabbage and when done right is very tasty. That said, eating cabbage *does* cause certain parts of my anatomy to both bubble AND squeak. In addition, I rather like saying the name. Repeatedly. Like a toddler. Bubble and squeak! Bubble and squeak! Bubble and squeak! (making a squeaky noise as you say the word squeak is mandatory)

4) Rump roast. Yeah. Unh huh. And I’m supposed to ask for that at the butcher shop and not laugh? I’ve always been curious about what names were rejected in that marketing meeting. Ass brisket? Booty beef? ‘Tocks steak? I mean, what exactly do you call a cut of beef that is sourced from, well, here. (link is TOTALLY safe for work)

And finally…

5) Spotted Dick. I think the gold standard for rude food names has to go to this British fare. It’s a spongy concoction of dried fruit that is usually served in pudding. There is a version manufactured by Heinz available at my local grocery store. I always chortle inappropriately when I see it there on the shelves.

I mean, come on, Spotted Dick? Who thought that was a good idea?

You got any others I forgot? Leave ’em in the comments!

Word Association

Ok, back in the day shrinks used to use word association to tell something about their patients.

Yeah, no idea if that really works.

Anyhow, just for fun, let’s see where this takes me.

We’ll start with a random word generator.

And the word is: Lost

Not going to think too much, just going to let this flow.

Let’s see…

Lost

Map

Driving

Back roads

San Francisco

Roads not straight

Crooked

Broken

Snapped

Why in the *&#% hell did you *&@#! make a right turn back there when you @#$% know that we wanted to go THAT way!!

Ahem. Yes.

No, that doesn’t imply anything about me or my relationship with The Good Man. Why do you ask?

Oh, this is all hogwash this word association thing.

Ok, fine. Let’s try again.

The word is: Liquid

Liquid

Moist

Wet

Damp

Why the !@#$ing hell is the cat wet? Did you leave the shower door open again? Or was she drinking out of the toilet? I HATE it when she drinks out of the toilet!

Hmm.

Ok, one more.

The word is: Corn

Which just makes me think: I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!

Yeah. There you go. Sophisticated psychoanalysis technique to Beavis and Butthead in three easy steps.

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.

The Power of a Good PR Rep

Here in the Halloween season, it’s hard not to have one’s mind turn to thoughts of monsters.

Goolish, creepy, scary monsters.

We all have the cast of characters from our childhood (or even adulthood) that can still send a chill down the ol’ spine.

For me, it’s La Llorona. Just saying her name aloud creeps me out.

But didja ever stop and think a bit about the positive characters in our folklore that are more than a little creepy?

Maybe our beloved heroes are really the biggest monsters.

Think about it.

Let me give you an example, without the positive PR spin.

Kids, guess what!? There is this lady, see? She’s something called a fairy and that means she’s pretty tiny and probably has wings on her back.

Do you know what this lady likes (and by like I mean is obsessed with)?

Your teeth.

Yes, she loves little kids teeth SO much she will even pay for them!

Be careful when you go to sleep at night because this wacked out winged lady is going to break into your house and steal your teeth! Sure, she might leave you a quarter or for lucky kids, a dollar.

Keep your mouth closed while you sleep, kids! She may steal the rest right out of your maw while you sleep!

Or, try this one on:

How does Santa Claus look to a kid growing up in Brazil?

So, December 25th is the dead of summer to you. You’re wearing shorts and tank tops and hoping for a break in the heat.

On that one special night, some fat Nordic man in a snowsuit (you gotta be crazy to wear a snow suit in summer!) is going to show up, break into your house, and leave you toys. All your favorite toys.

Wait? How does Kris The Fat Man know exactly what toys you wanted?

Because he sees you when you are sleeping. He knows when you are awake.

The fat Nordic man is a stalker, kids. Can you say stalker?

I suggest you take out a restraining order now.

Ok, are you starting to see what I’m saying here?

Wanna try one more?

There is this rabbit, see? And in April, as a way to celebrate Spring, the rabbit will come to your house and leave you eggs.

But kids, you learned in your science class that a rabbit is something called a mammal, and mammals don’t lay eggs!

Whoops! Where does this strange bunny get all these eggs and why does he hide them?

And…bunnies don’t have opposable thumbs, so how is he getting these eggs dyed in bright colors?

And why is he trying to lure all the little kids outside with promises of jellybeans and chocolate? Didn’t your parents tell you not to take candy from strangers?

What kid of sick, twisted, walks on two feet kind of rabbit is this?

Though in this horror story, the kids get the final revenge.

They are presented with a chocolate effigy of the offending monster and are encouraged to bite the head off.

So wait a minute.

Maybe that means….just maybe…we are all the monster.

Hmmm……….

Hmm, What is There To Talk About?

Gosh. Slow day. What possibly is there to discuss?

Can’t quite figure it out.

There has to be *something* we can chat about here on my little ol’ blog.

Let me look at the local newspaper.

Upcoming elections. Sure. Whitman and Brown, running waddled neck to waddled neck.

Not much to add to that.

Volcano, earthquake and tsunami in Indonesia. Yikes. A lot of people hurt and killed. Tragic. What more can I say? My thoughts are with the people of Indonesia as they try to get their normal lives back.

Charlie Sheen trashed a hotel room while buck naked. Wish I could say that Sheen could get a normal life back, but I’m not sure he knows what that is. Can’t really get any energy to discuss that Hollywood oddity today.

Stock market is down a bit. Dollar is down a bit. Gold is up.

There is something nibbling at the edge of my mind, something I should talk about today.

Why can’t I quite put my finger on it?

Hmmmmmmmm.

Oh!

I know.

The World Series starts tonight. Game 1. San Francisco Giants vs the Texas Rangers.

THE WORLD FREAKING SERIES!

HERE IN SAN FRANCISCO!

A reward for long suffering fans like…oh…me.

Humm baby!

Click here for Expert predictions. Here’s a sneak preview…most aren’t picking the Giants to win.

I’ll Use My Powers for Good and Not Evil

For reasons I could explain, but are banal and long winded, I’ll just cut to the chase and tell you that I’ve been thinking a lot about superheroes lately.

Good superheroes. Dark superheroes. Flawed superheroes. Just…superheroes and their super powers.

Which got me to thinking today, as I waited in the lunch line, what sort of superpowers would I like to have if I got to choose?

I think things like seeing through buildings, swinging from webs or having adamantium claws are all well and good, but realistically, are they useful?

Flashy yes, but wouldn’t something a little more down to earth be more desirable?

Here are a couple ideas on the sorts of superpowers I’d lean toward:

The ability to eat whatever I want and not gain weight

Imagine it! I could save the world from illness and obesity by eating up all the snack foods!

Mayors could simply project a cookie in the sky and I’d come a’runnin’!

“Step aside small child, let me save you from that cotton candy.”

Or how about…

The ability to sleep for only two hours but feels like I slept eight

Can you *imagine* all the good I could do for the world if I only slept a few hours but felt fully rested! I could move mountains! I could persuade world leaders! I could travel long distances and not feel sleepy!

Yeess!

Ok, maybe that’s a lame one.

So let’s try:

The ability to read small print without squinting

Zap! Pow! Ka-zam!

I shall help out senior centers by announcing, “Bring me that medicine bottle! I will read every ingredient printed in a half-point font!”

Menus will hold no sway over me!

My Kindle can be set to the smallest font available!

My browser window can be reduced back to normal size!

I can save the world, or just myself, really, from the scourge of crow’s feet!

Oh, no, ok, I got it!

The ability to endure small people with a single sigh

It’s the key to world peace, truly.

(and I don’t mean short people….)

Now…I need a cape! Time to shop!