Category: fail

Doing the Superior Dance

A few years ago, in fact, almost three years back, The Good Man and I joined a book club affiliated with our local library. It was run by a really intelligent librarian who was pretty good at managing the club.

She’d do thorough investigations around the book and its topic and would bring up insightful questions for discussion. The first book we read for the club was “A Confederacy of Dunces.” It was an offbeat choice, and I personally struggled to finish the book.

It took The Good Man and I talking about the story for me to understand it and see if for the bit of brilliance it really is.

The library book club was populated mostly by people over the age of seventy, and they were not especially amused by the book. It was an odd club meeting that night. I was unsure if we should continue on, but decided to give it another chance.

The Good Man and I read the next few books and participated in the book club, and for the most part, we enjoyed it.

Then the librarian chose the book “Three Cups of Tea” for the group to read. A non-fiction choice, this was a pretty wide divergence from where we had been. But ok! The book had great reviews and was quite popular.

So I settled in and read it. And I hated it.

I mean, I get it. I get why everyone is so enraptured by Greg Mortenson. But I personally thought his story was a load of yak crap.

For one, I didn’t like the “how great I am” storytelling style. I’ve often found the greatest people don’t need to resort to that.

And for two, I bristled at the idea of this American man imposing his ideas of education and values on these people. I think building the schools is a good and worthy concept, but then get out of the way.

So I said these things at the book club. Well…that didn’t go over well. One especially nasty elderly woman took issue with me on that sentiment.

I should have just let it go. This nasty woman was also deeply offended at the section of the book where it was described how animal dung is picked up (with their hands! *gasp*) formed into patties and dried to be burned as a source of heat.

But she harrumphed and huffed and informed me that Mr. Mortenson was certainly fit for sainthood (in not those terms, but pretty close).

Well. Seeing all the breaking news this week. It looks like *I* was right.

: Superior Dance :



I’m sure that the nasty old woman doesn’t even remember that she was so harumphy at me. But I remember.

The sad news is, after that book club meeting, I was so turned off by the whole thing that I stopped going.

So in the end, she actually won.


Yeah, Well Describe *THIS* In One Word

So there I was, working through some writing exercises, trying to get the old mind working. Things were going decently well, I guess. The “Describe ten things you see right at this moment” went fine. “Describe the street you grew up on” was a pretty good lesson in adjectives.

The juices were flowing, things were happening.

And then this happened: Describe a color in one word

What. The?

I don’t know….maybe I’m just tired but this writing exercise hit me all wrong. It flipped the snarky switch.

The first color I could think of was yellow.

One word to describe yellow? Pee.

There. Done.

Red. How about one word for that? Hmm…let me dig deep.

Blood.

Green?

Snot.

Blue?

Bruise.

Orange?

Is it wrong that the only orange thing I can think of is an orange?

Purple?

Yeah, you know what? This is a stupid exercise. I’m moving on….





Tuesday (pronounced /tju:zdei)

…is a day of the week occurring after Monday and before Wednesday.

… it is the second day of the week, although in some traditions it is the third.

The name Tuesday derives from the Old English “Tiwesdæg” and literally means “Tiw’s Day”. Tiw is the Old English form of the Proto-Germanic god *Tîwaz, or Týr in Norse, a god of war and law.

In most languages with Latin origins (French, Spanish, Italian), the day is named after Mars, the Roman god of war.

Tuesday is the usual day for elections in the United States.

Shrove Tuesday (also called Mardi Gras – fat Tuesday) precedes the first day of Lent in the Western Christian calendar.
__________

Boy oh boy…that’s some good stuff about Tuesday, isn’t it? Tuesday. What a fascinating day. How cool to be Tuesday. How cool to live through a Tuesday.

I sure do like Tuesday.

Which is why I sure wish I could have actually had myself a Tuesday this week.

Oh, I mean, Tuesday happened, but I wasn’t in it.

Let me back up. First of all, on Tuesday, I was completely wiped out from my latest headcold (started on Sunday). This is the third such evil bug I’ve hosted in the past seven months (I remember when I used to brag that I *never* get sick. I smirk at that me that used to say that kind of sh**). By the second day of the week, this cold was in full bloom. Fever, headache, etc.

And, of course, as my colds do these days, this bug took up residence in my lungs.

*Cough, cough, cough….coughcoughcoughcoughcough*

Monday night, I filled up my water bottle as the ubiquitous “they” say to “stay hydrated” when you are sick.

Fine. So I filled up my metal bottle from our Brita pitcher, turned to place the half empty pitcher under the faucet, coughed, and threw my back out.

I immediately needed to lay down on the floor to see if I could stop the overwhelming desire to black out. Yes, it hurt like that.

Waking up Tuesday morning was a brand new adventure in pain. I couldn’t even stand up straight. Fun!

So Tuesday was a toss up for me. Was I more miserable because of my fever and endless snotty nose? Or was it the agony in my back?

No, you know what, I think what I enjoyed *most* of all was the relentless coughing which caused searing pain to radiate out from my back.

Yeah. That was fun.

So I spent all day on Tuesday not really on this planet. The day was pretty much me, hopped up on both pain and cold meds, flat on my back, legs up, trying to take pressure off my aching spine.

And lots and lots of kleenex.

So now I’m pissed. I want my Tuesday back. Without the misery.

Hello? Universe? Give me my twenty-four hours back!

Oh, and another thing, while I got you on the line, you and your evil friend Fate have really pulled me through the proverbial knothole these past few months.

Just to let you know, I’m ready for my reward now.

Karma does still work that way, right?





Source for all of the Tuesday facts.


Did You Ever Have The Kind Of Day Where….

Did you ever have the kind of day where you are going ninety miles an hour at your work desk, cranking out the emails, spreadsheets and taking phone calls left and right, all while balancing the Greyhound bus stop that is the chair in front of your desk….

And despite all the chaos and kerfuffle, just in the nick of time, you manage to whip out your one page, beautifully wrought, easy-to-read table that contains the cheat sheet you’ll need to answer every question that will be machine gun fired at you at your 3:00 meeting.

So you send that sumnabitch to the printer and grab your notebook, hike up your pants, run to the copier, and grab that thing off the machine so you can make it to your meeting at something less than five minutes late.

Then you squeal around the corner into the copy room and you are heartened to hear that the machine isn’t working. It’s done. It’s printed your copy.

Only it hasn’t.

The screen reads “out of paper, load tray three.”

Inside your head, you say, “I can deal with this.”

So it’s one of those big industrial machines and to fill the paper tray takes not one, not two, but three reams of ecologically friendly 50% post-consumer lily white paper.

Being a good office citizen, you could throw half a ream in there and call it good, but you don’t. You fill it up to the top, slam the drawer and the machine fires up.

Sweet sound of the Gods!

And the machine begins spitting out page after page after page…..

After page.

After page.

And you realize the guy in front of you must be printing like a hundred copies of his forty page slide deck and it’s HIS FAULT that the machine was parched for paper when you arrived.

Nothing you can do now but watch that machine like a bird dog after a duck, all the while not-my-copy, not-my-copy, not-my-copy shoots out of the machine, perfectly stapled and collated and tidy as you please.

“Ok,” you say to yourself. “I can deal with this.”

Then the machine stops again. The engine winds down.

“Thank god!” you think.

But wait, your copy isn’t there.

“WHAT THE [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!!!” You may or may not shout.

The LCD screen on that machine says “Replace Toner” and provides helpful animated arrows to guide you through the process.

“Ok,” you think to yourself, “I can deal with this. It can’t be that hard.”

So you find a box with a new toner tube and you follow the bouncing arrow on the screen and the old toner comes out and the new toner slides in and now you may or may not have black toner dust peppering your arms.

But you slam closed the toner door and the machine begins to make a noise.

“Warming up,” it tells you.

And you wait for what must be an [expletive deleted] eternity while the machine “cleans the wires” and “recalibrates” itself at the pace of an anemic snail.

Then holy mother of Xerox, the machine starts spitting out copies anew and more and more of not-my-copy of someone’s presentation comes out.

Then, most miraculous! The single sheet that you desperately needed finally exits the machine!

Victory!

So to be helpful you pull the other copies off the machine to lay them aside in a nice, neat stack.

And because you are nosy by nature, you look to see exactly what is the document that held up your progress and made you irretrievably late for a very important meeting, and you come to realize that it is…..

Handouts for someone’s upcoming Cub Scout meeting.

You ever have a day like that?

No way, right? Because that story just *has* to be made up. Unless truth really is stranger than fiction.





Photo by Alex Furr and used royalty free from stock.xchng


Photo Fun: Fish Eye lens

A couple years ago I invested in a few of those fun plastic Lomography cameras.

I own an Action Sampler multiple lens camera, a Colorsplash with gel films for the flash, and a camera with a built in fish eye lens.

Of the three, the fish eye has been my least favorite. With that big bubble lens skewing the view, it felt damn near impossible to take a good photo with the thing.

Better photographers than I understand the proportions of this extremely wide angle lens, but for me I felt like I was fighting with it.

So I gave up.

Recently, I was cleaning out my gear and I noticed that the fish eye camera had a roll of film loaded, and the counter showed 1. Turns out I hadn’t even used a single frame of the roll.

I tossed the camera in my bag for New Year’s Eve weekend. I knew we’d be staying near Sausalito and there’s plenty of photo opportunities up there.

Well, I forgot I had that fish eye in my bag until the day we were driving home when I had a flash of inspiration. As we drove over the bridge, I held the camera out the window and on the roof of the car, tilted it up slightly, and snapped away.

Sometimes serendipity is the best friend of the photographer.

Other than straightening the horizon, this photo is straight off the camera.

Suddenly I like that fish eye camera a whole lot more.



(click to see a larger size)