Category: Love

This is the end, my friend.

S’long 2007, you’ve been a rollicking year. Here on the last day of you, I’ve taken moments, given pause, really, to think back on all the other 364 days of you and assess how it went.

You started off swell. The Cute Boy™ and I moved into the same address back in January. Shackin’ up was a rip snortin’ way to start the year, if I do say so myself. It was a weird, and for me, troubled adjustment period, but adjust we did and soon it was like The Cute Boy™ had always been here. Oh, and the feline too. She’s made my one person lonely home a warm happy place full of life. I got both a partner and a pet in one fell swoop. That alone makes 2007 a year to remember.

Middle of the year was ok too. The weather was nice, road trips were had. Work began troubling me in earnest, but I kept going.

In June, my self-published book was FINALLY properly published (after many fits and starts and errors on the publisher’s side) and listed on Amazon. It was the accomplishment of a dream. More of the beginning rather than a destination, but a huge step on my path and I remain proud of it. A few people have actually even read it!

August/September was a little tough. Both the girl and The Cute Boy™ were miserable at work and sometimes brought that home, making home not always the happiest place. But we talked, a lot. And talked and I cried sometimes and we talked more and then…

September ended, things changed, as they always will, and improvement was soon to follow. And now there is a lot less sad and a lot more joy in our Casita Bonita. Change, while hard, is often a good and necessary thing.

November brought the annual National Novel Writing Month and despite being *sure* I couldn’t do it again this year, that I had nothing left in the well having given it all to my employer, I pulled off a feat even I can’t believe. I wrote over 50,000 in just 15 days. My best record thus far (my third go-round). I learned a lot about myself during this NaNo, not the least of which is that I’m a freak who works extraordinarily well under a tight deadline. Now to figure out how to use that to my advantage.

December brought the Crafty Chica, more (enduring) love, and a shared home in which to celebrate the holidays. Friends and family and The Cute Boy™ and the feline and me. And despite my *freaking out*, as I’m wont to do when I’m insecure about my homemaking abilities, the celebrations came off without a hitch. Good eats were had. Good eats, the normalizing factor in all celebrations.

And I end this year as I ended the last, madly in love and optimistic about the year ahead. Maybe even more optimistic about this year than last. There are a couple happy things up ahead, possibly. And having something to look forward to is always a good thing.

Here, officially, my New Year’s Resolutions:

1) To finish my NaNo book from 2007. (about 10,000-15,000 words to go)

2) To finish my NaNo book from 2008. (about 20,000-30,000 words to go). And once finished, edit, edit, edit….and consider self-publishing this one. It may be the best thing I’ve written so far.

3) Work with my in-home PR and marketing expert on doing something with my self-published books.

4) Take better care of myself physically. Eat a little less, a few more greens and lift a heart rate every once in a while. Doesn’t have to be overly taxing, just have to remember that taking care of me is a priority.

5) Take it a little more easy on myself. I’ve been listening to the song “In the End” from the soundtrack to Shortbus over and over. I find something so heart-tuggingly true in the words.

“…as your last breath begins, you find your demon’s your best friend.”

So here at the end of 2007, on the verge of beginning a new year, may I find a way to become friends with my demons now, long before I take my last breath. That, I believe, is the key to my peace.

And so it is.

Joyous New Year to all!

Image via.

What are ya doin’ New Year’s Eve?

Does anyone have any good ideas? I’ve been crazy into the holiday spirit but have to say I’m a bit worn down.

I’d be happy to stay at home and watch the ball drop in Times Square, but I’m getting the vibe The Cute Boy™ wants to do something more substantial, but not so substantial as to need a black tie.

I’m iffy. The more I’m away from work the more I’m starting to feel like myself. We’ve had quite the full social calendar all this month and I’m pooped. Here’s one of those “opposites attract” aspects of The Cute Boy™ and me. Me being born under the sign of Taurus, I am happy to enjoy a few evenings at home. When not working my tookus off at work, staying at home, reading a book, all of that works fine with some occasional social dates peppered in to keep it fun.

The Cute Boy™ on the other hand, likes to run (Gemini that he is). He’s got a lot more friends than I do and likes to make sure each get some time in any given month. He’s happiest with a calendar packed full of events.

It’s a push-pull dynamic that we usually seem to manage, actually. But right now, I’m getting a bit of my stubborn Taurus the Bull up. I hate to admit it, but I’m burned out from work. Burned out on people. Just teetering on the edge of full flame out and that scares me. The more I get a chance to catch up on my sleep, the more I realize how near the edge I was.

I don’t wanna do nuttin’!

That being said…I guess if we can come up with a good idea that is going out but not TOO out…I’m up for it.

And that’s what they call compromise. From what I’ve heard, it’s what keeps a relationship going…….

Image via.

Have yourself a Merry Little…

…whatever holiday you celebrate. I make no assumptions here.

The Casa de Karen and The Cute Boy™ is in tumult as we clean and scrub and prepare for guests tomorrow. I’m not much of a hostess with the mostess, so entertaining in my home always makes me a skosh edgy. Plus, among the guests tomorrow is Mother of The Cute Boy™ and in my silly female way, I’m still trying *very* hard to make a good impression on her. She’s a wonderful woman, a great cook and raised the man I love, so her opinion matters, you know? I tend to twist myself into a knot about it.

The food is all stocked in the fridge. The feline is unhappy about all the kerfuffle as we sweep and mop and vacuum. She thinks we all should be taking a nap. Have I mentioned that in my next life I want to be my cat? She’s got it real good around here.

I think things will all come together. Pretty much when you get good eats and good people together, magic happens. Joyful magic and I could use a bit of that in my life.

Meanwhile, everybody, enjoy your family, friends, homemade family (cuz the one you’re related to are intolerable), yourownselves, your pets and your holiday cheer.

And if the going gets tough, spike the egg nog.

Photo by Karen Fayeth

Guilt.

I have it.

What is it, exactly, about the holidays that makes guilt so possible?

True, I’m an easily guilted child. A fact my folks used to great advantage when raising me. And yet, the month of December seems to be the guilt month, no doubt.

Owing to my Catholic upbringing (I’m no longer practicing), guilt was sort of woven into my early life. And in the good Catholic tradition, confession is good for the soul…

I feel guilty that my mom is alone for the holidays. I mean, she’s not *really* alone, my aunt and uncle are nearby and look after her, but since my dad passed, she’s had a tough time of it. I shouldn’t feel guilty. My folks weren’t very people oriented, so they had few friends. In my mom’s waning years, she doesn’t have that many people to rely on and she’s honestly burned a few bridges with her children. She keeps wanting me to move closer to her. I just can’t (for many reasons). And years of hard mental work have told me that taking care of myself is important (and isn’t selfish). And so despite the fact that it’s the right thing for me to be here and live my life, I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I’ve been so involved in work and trying to finish up that I haven’t paid enough attention to my home life. The Cute Boy™ and The Feline are fine, they love me, support me, are happy I made it through. I guess I want to be all things to all people (and pets). I tend to take on all this guilt when I can’t be “perfect”. Ugh, what’s with that?

I feel guilty that I’ve eaten too many holiday cookies. :)

I feel guilty that I got my Christmas cards out late. I know, not a crime, but damnit! How hard is it to send out a few cards? (Hard enough when you are working too much and are exhausted….there goes that perfectionist thing again.)

I feel guilty that my job is a decent job and pays reasonably well but I actually don’t like it and want more than anything to flee. I should be more grateful for everything that place has done for me, and yet I just cringe going in there every day. I’ll spend the next two weeks pondering this one. I’ve reached critical mass. Time to you-know-what or get off the pot about this topic.

And of course, I feel guilty that I haven’t managed to update my blog most of this past week and so here it is, 7:40am on my first day off and I’m writing up a guilt post.

Good lord my brain is a complex place.

So as of this moment, I grant myself absolution. I don’t even have to do an act of contrition, I’m pretty contrite already.

My penance is to love myself a little more today. To ease up a bit. To hug my man and cat a bit more and to enjoy the hell out of my Christmas holidays.

Now I shall go out and make it so.

Uh oh.

Guess what I got up to this weekend?

I let the hellidays come up and grab me.

I indulged in a long time family tradition…using old and new implements.

I emailed my mom and got the family “secret” sugar cookie recipe. And I made ’em. Oh yes, I made ’em. Had to buy my own set of cutters, and they aren’t as good as the decades old ones my mom is still clinging to.

But she did finally give up her old Kitchenaid mixer.

I’ve been baking treats out of that thing since I was probably 6 or 7. My mom made tortillas every Saturday (after Mass) in that same mixer. It looks a little worse for the wear, and is, for god’s sake, 1970’s avocado green, but it still works like a charm. I love how a new generation of young women have discovered what I knew all along. A Kitchenaid mixer makes short work of any baking project. It’s amazing.

And in keeping with tradition, I managed to burn one batch. The first one. Crispy. But I covered them in frosting anyway and will look the other direction when someone grabs one of the “well done” cookies. Hee.

Oh and father of The Cute Boy™ gave us his old train set, thus fulfilling one of my long time wishes, to have a train around my tree.

It’s all good. This is the first time in a long time that I’m happy at the holidays. I think I owe most of that to the loving holiday excitement of The Cute Boy™.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

Now, I just have to endure five more hellish days of work to get my two glorious weeks OFF.

I can make it. With a belly full of cookies and a head full of carols, oh yes, I will make it…………….