Photo by Atharva Dharmadhikari on Unsplash
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Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself and thought, “well that doesn’t look like me.”
And then someone else looks at it and says, “Wow! That’s such a good photo of you.”
The person I see in the mirror and also the person I see in my mind very often does not match the images from a camera lens. Particularly a distorted mobile phone camera lens.
I get it. And then it got me.
The tip-top person at the place I work recently retired and last week we had a really nice afternoon of events to honor him, his career, and his impact on all of us. Such a good day. Everyone came out for it. The mood was good.
During the day’s events, I certainly spotted the company’s official photographer and videographer capturing the day. At one point when I was listening to a speaker, I turned my head and saw that dang video camera pointed just my way from across the room.
“Don’t pick your nose, don’t pick your nose, don’t pick your nose” was the mantra running through my head.
The day passed, and about three days later, an eighty-four second video was published on all the company’s social media and marketing sites. In that video, your girl here appears no less than nine times. NINE! Besties, help me get through this.
In the first appearance at the six second mark, I am walking across the reception area smiling to myself. I remember that moment, I had just said something a bit sassy to a member of leadership and then skedaddled off. That is me, caught on video, mid-skedaddle.
That’s me, head to toe, top to bottom, back to front, well lit by the afternoon sun. No question that it is me.
My first thought? “Whoa! That doesn’t look like me. I for sure don’t look like that.”
All five stages of grief happened in rapid succession.
That can’t be what I look like.
OH MY GOD hell no that is NOT me.
Please tell me that is someone else wearing the same exact top and my new boots.
Ooooh noooo, oh I do not have the capacity to deal with this.
Welp, I guess that is what I look like.
But wait! There I am again at 18 seconds walking just behind the guest of honor. At 24 seconds there is a shot from behind me as I am talking to an old friend and colleague. I mean, who doesn’t want their backside shown for two long seconds and posted publicly? There I am in the auditorium at 29 seconds, 42 seconds, 47 seconds, 53 seconds, 67 seconds.
The appearance at 73 seconds is my favorite. The crowd is rising to give a standing ovation. You see me start to stand up and that’s when my bad hip locked up on me which caused me to thwump back down into the seat. Then with renewed energy, I pushed through the pain to a standing position.
How neat to have that moment of my aging body doing such fun things captured on video in high res and full color.
Okay, fair. I get the whole deal with my lifelong issues of body dysmorphia. I get how none of us really look or sound on recordings the way they think they do in real life. I get that it is hard to see your body so clearly and objectively on video. I am willing to grow. I really am trying to accept. Honest.
But nine full body shots of me in an 84 second video? Too much growth! Too much healing!
All of that said, here are the things I can be grateful for: No alcohol was served at the event, so no shots of me being sloppy. No shots of me picking my nose (thanks for the reminder, brain!). No shots of pulling underwear out of the darkest regions.
In all nice appearances I mostly look normal and natural.
All that to say, while it ain’t great, it could be much, much worse. Which is a big admission for me.
I’ll take this itty bitty bit of growth for the win and make a mental note to keep a sharp eye out for all cameras at the next company event.